I don’t know how you managed to appear at the perfect time –
Just before I was about to give up on boys altogether,
Give up on the romantics, the faithful ones, the committed ones
because I’d forgotten that they had even existed at all.
Suddenly there you were, looking like George Harrison,
with your long hair and your beard; your silence and your brooding dark eyes.
I instantly knew I must have you.
But I never would have fathomed the feeling would be mutual,
Never imagined a boy I could only conjure in my dreams would manifest himself into my reality,
That I could reach out and touch you,
That I could call you mine.
Newborn, skull like chalk, chipped away;
Chiselled by an unrelenting, iron fist.
Retreat back inside your mother, child.
She will keep you safe.
She will take her warm hands and mould you like clay.
She will tell you that you can be soft.
Over the sound of her lullabies, child,
They will drill out the multiples of three.
Hack away at your brain,
Leaving nothing but circuits.
Grade your ability to memorise and retain,
Until you’re left running on autopilot.
Down the factory line,
Stripped, cloned, lobotomised.
They will carve you out of stone, with your own barcode,
Ready to be bought and sold,
Bought and sold,
Bought and sold.
I used to have this fear that I would hear you utter someone elses name in your sleep.
The possibility that you might love another; the graveyards of old girlfriends haunting your dreams.
You always wake me in the night with your ramblings.
Last night I awoke to you stroking my cheek. You said “I love you, Sam,”
I said “I love you too, baby,”
Then you rolled over and went back to sleep.
That’s how I know it’s real.
An automatic phrase at the tip of your tongue,
Nothing to hide or conceal.
No thought behind it, no rehearsed words,
Something that escapes you even in sleep.
You may be asleep, but your love is always awake.
I’ve come to realise that love is a state of being,
Your words reminded me.
They are the best words to wake up to,
Even if you have no recollection of it,
I will dream of those words for the rest of my life.
i never would have admitted that i loved you.
i never would have allowed you power over me.
Sometimes I dream about you.
I see you so vividly there,
Hear your voice,
Smell your scent,
And I am haunted.
I wake up, my stomach in knots,
With the sudden realisation
You’re not here anymore.
I was taught that love would feel like butterflies,
Love was meant to ignite the very corners of the mind.
A passionate flame that would not ever die,
Matches made in Heaven, souls that were aligned.
Although I’m told we’re perfect, it’s left me so unsure,
Are the emotions that I’m feeling even love at all?
To me, it feels like waves when they kiss the shore,
Constant and unchanging, yet calming all the more.
It’s nothing like I thought that love would ever be,
Nothing like the fireworks on New Years’ that you see,
It’s a shy appreciation between you and me,
Quiet and content, on this we both agree.
It’s not the kind of love that rocks you to your core,
Nor is it the kind of love you’d sacrifice your soul for,
But as dutiful as the tide,
And as faithful as the sea,
Side by side, like waves and sand,
There is always you and me.
Both of us eye each other,
Circling like lionesses: ready to attack,
Trying to impress our King.
When I stop the competition for his attention,
You think you’ve won.
But the truth is,
I have realised that I do not live to please him.
I am a Queen in my own right.