Anxiety

This year I was told that I had anxiety.

At first, the words made no sense.
But when I began to overanalyse it,
It all started to click.

‘Anxiety’ was a string of unanswered text messages, avoidance and excuses.
Bitten down nails and flustered apologies in fear I would say the wrong thing;
Sleepless nights, unable to relax, my brain on overload to the point where I was going to collapse.

‘Anxiety’ was trust issues and over thinking;
Destroying every relationship because surely I was never good enough.
When I’d feel his hands trace my face, my brain would start racing,
‘He’s seeing every flaw’, ‘ there’s someone else’, or ‘he’s lying’.

It was no longer enjoying the sound of laughter as I was walking down the street,
That sound became intimidating because it was targeted at me.

It was smiles at the bottom of beer bottles,
Called liquid courage for a reason,
That’s what it took for me to muster up the bravery to start a conversation.

The paranoia that ate me alive.
‘Anxiety’ was an endless sea of self-doubt,
Drowning in thoughts that left me washed up and exhausted,
I fight against the tide but sometimes it’s so hard to ignore it.

‘Anxiety’ was built up brick walls inherited from my father,
That shut everyone out and acted like a barrier.
The people I love are always trying to tear them down,
But when they realise they can’t, they disappear and never come around.

It was a fear of abandonment.

And sometimes it’s difficult being as fragile as a bone,
One day I decided to conceal it underneath a fortress made out of ice and stone.
A constant battle of wanting to be held, yet wanting to be alone.
Two opposing forces in a war I’ve always known.

It took so long to accept,
Because it wasn’t the worst of what I’d seen,
Although now I’m coming to terms with the fact that it might just be a part of me.