Heartbroken

I wished him every happiness,

but I was heartbroken that it wouldn’t be with me.

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I am never going to be a mother,

Out of fear that I cannot wipe the tears in their eyes,

I will be wiping my own instead.

Out of fear that I cannot get them out of bed in the morning,

I cannot even get out of it myself.

I will not be able to protect them from high spaces,

Or hold their head above water,

I will be too busy allowing myself not to drown.

Newborn

Newborn, skull like chalk, chipped away;  
Chiselled by an unrelenting, iron fist. 
 
Retreat back inside your mother, child. 
She will keep you safe. 
 
She will take her warm hands and mould you like clay. 
She will tell you that you can be soft. 
 
Over the sound of her lullabies, child,  
They will drill out the multiples of three. 
 
Hack away at your brain,  
Leaving nothing but circuits. 
 
Grade your ability to memorise and retain,  
Until you’re left running on autopilot. 
 
Down the factory line, 
Stripped, cloned, lobotomised. 
 
They will carve you out of stone, with your own barcode, 
Ready to be bought and sold, 
Bought and sold, 
Bought and sold. 

Pillow Talk.

I used to have this fear that I would hear you utter someone elses name in your sleep.
The possibility that you might love another; the graveyards of old girlfriends haunting your dreams.

You always wake me in the night with your ramblings.

Last night I awoke to you stroking my cheek. You said “I love you, Sam,”
I said “I love you too, baby,”
Then you rolled over and went back to sleep.

That’s how I know it’s real.

An automatic phrase at the tip of your tongue,
Nothing to hide or conceal.
No thought behind it, no rehearsed words,
Something that escapes you even in sleep.

You may be asleep, but your love is always awake.
I’ve come to realise that love is a state of being,
Your words reminded me.

They are the best words to wake up to,
Even if you have no recollection of it,
I will dream of those words for the rest of my life.